Breaking the bonds

2020-12-09

Sometimes the hardest thing in life is sharing your story to make sure other people feel empowered to share theirs. Being willing to be open, transparent, and vulnerable can be incredibly difficult – especially for those for whom any sort of vulnerability has led to abuse, disparagement, or loss of self. When you learn from experience that any perceived weakness is seen as something to dominate, denigrate or destroy, it becomes second nature to stop trusting, stop sharing, stop letting people know the “real” you.

And instead you become some caricature of your true self, wearing one of those grotesque stage masks so that no one can see or feel the underlying softness or longing for connection, but rather only the hard boundary walls or sharp brittle cutting edges. It helps no one…
but it keeps your heart apart – so it can’t be broken by agony, betrayal or disillusionment again.
but it keeps your soul intact – so it can’t be shredded by the recognition of the depravity of the human psyche, and realisation that when possible many people would as soon destroy you as build you up.
but it keeps your mind functional – so that it doesn’t get pulled into the mire of “if I had only’s” that eventually cause you to question your sanity and the motivations of every single person around you.

The mask allows you to pretend. We all do that to a certain extent.
But people who have discovered that vulnerability needs to be hidden, have mastered making the mask seem “real” to the outside world.

If I have learned anything over the years – that mask also keeps you shackled. It creates expectations and assumptions.
It prevents you from being your authentic self, and keeps you from being wholly known. It reduces relationships to superficial interactions – because you can share time, you can share experiences, you can even share your body, without the other person actually “knowing” and understanding you. In the long run, you are only cheating yourself.
But this is an extremely hard lesson to learn.

And for those who are moving towards removing the mask (at least now and then), each step is agonizing. A piece of the wall removed, a chink in the armour. Often there are as many steps taken backwards, as going forwards.
It takes so much patience and love and support from those around you. Especially if as you are doing so, you hit new reasons to distrust, or are wounded yet again.

So if you know someone trying to share their story, or break down some walls… just “be there”… provide that support without judgement but with lots of love – and know that you are quite possibly saving a heart, if not a life.
And for those of you who were MY strength and stability and support… I can never repay you. It’s meant more than words can ever express.